Acoustic Dreams &
Hardcore Screams

I think just about everyone has done or read this kind of thing before BUT good points are always in need re-emphasis, aren’t they? So, without further ado...

1) Baby Wipe Baths

Shower facilities are usually available at most music festivals but, let’s be honest, who’s going to want to spend time queuing for them and then clashing bare bottoms with strangers? Besides, there’s something strangely comforting about engulfing yourself with the scent of Johnson’s as you walk side by side with other like-minded wipe bathers like a group of adult babies. So, in the morning, grab your wipes, get naked and rub rub rub.



2) Slip, Slop, Slap

For the love of a good man (or woman) take some SPF with you. I realise that the notion of using skin protection is still foreign to some despite the increase in press coverage of the rise of skin cancer but even if you believe you’re immortal to that, at least stop yourself looking like a well-done hog roast. I think that festival sites actually attract sun exposure more than any other place on earth – a friend of mine has been burnt several times at different festivals even when it was cloudy and sun could barely be seen. Second of all, put on a hat. Yes, yes, I sound like your mother but sun stroke is not enjoyable and you don’t want to miss half the bands you want to see because you’re holed up in the First Aid tent. Hats are one of festivals’ favourite accessories anyway. Finally, if you’ve got a good body, by all means don your bikini or expose your bare torso to the masses. But have some dignity and grace if you don’t. Attractiveness comes from how you present yourself, so highlight the good stuff, not the wobbly jobbly bits.

3) Wellington Boots



The reasons for these ironically stylish bad boys are twofold. One, if it rains, you can at least shield your lower half from the mud. However, I can’t be certain you won’t just fall over/be pushed over and you’ll get the greater part of your top half clotted in it anyway. Second of all, there’ll be no trying to think what footwear to shove on. Just whack on your rubber (ooh err) and you’re away.




4) Hand Sanitiser

You know those adverts that used to do the rounds about how there is actually more deadly bacteria on a chopping board than on your toilet seat? Yeah, well that definitely does not apply to portaloo seats. Just the scent is enough to half-kill you; let alone going ahead and touching one before putting your hands near your mouth *shudders*. Save from the rare occasions at the beginning of a festival where handwash and actual running water might be in wide supply your best bet is to have some squirty alcoholic hand rub on you to kill those nasty bits of portaloo disease dead. Or, if you’re a bloke, you can just wee anywhere and any potential germs are just the ones you have lurking on your man region (which, for many, may be a fair few).

5) Torch


Before you start giving me an award for stating the obvious; torches don’t always seem to be deemed a staple by many festival campers. But they are essential if you need to find something after your day’s frivolous activities or are unlucky enough to need the toilet in the wee hours of the morning. Having a torch means you won’t trip over any guy ropes (why not girl you sexist tents?) or any other individuals strewn across the ground.




6) Token Member of the Opposite Sex – why is this necessary I hear you cry? Well here we go...

If you are of the male species you need a female. Why? Well she’ll have all the toiletries you would probably forget to pack and when you head into the arena area she’ll more than likely have a small bag with her where you could politely shove your valuables so as to not lose them as you jiggle about merrily.

If you are of the female species you need a male. Why? One word – tent. If you happen to be a girl who can erect a tent without any assistance then I applaud you. No, I do not include pop-up tents in this. I happen to fall into the majority category that assumes stereotypical girlyness and lets the bloke get on with it. You know, to prove his manly worth and all.

Of course there are plenty of things I haven’t covered which may well be essential to your festival experience – condoms, copious amounts of alcohol, token blow-up penis to strap to your tent so it’s easily identifiable... the list could go on. But the points above should be universal to ALL for general well-being and festival survival.

I’ve simply brushed over the bare essentials – if you have any useful festival tips then feel free to share them in the comments below. Funny past experiences are also welcome.

So go have festival fun, but remember my commandments. Or forget them. Whatever.

Happy Camping!